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I used to be a regular contributor to this blog, at least for a while.  Melissa has since taken over, and the quality of the posts has increased substantially.

Melissa and I were trying to checkout at the Safeway self checkout last Saturday.  The woman in line behind us was checking out too, and she was not happy.  Let’s call her Cranky Sue.  Apparently Sue had purchased a full sheet cake from the bakery and was trying to pay for a few other items she’d picked up.  The sheet cake was in a pink box under her cart basket, and she wasn’t making any effort to run it through the scanner.

A four-and-a-half-foot-tall Hispanic woman was overseeing the self checkout scanner that we were using.  Predictably, the shorter woman wanted to see Cranky Sue’s receipt for the sheet cake.  We were busy scanning our cheddar cheese and crackers, so I didn’t catch much of the exchange, but the self checkout wrangler was soon joined by a second woman who must have been her manager.  The second woman was also very short and could barely see over the edge of Cranky Sue’s  cart.

The two short woman crowding around Ms. Cranky Sue must have made her a little nervous, because she suddenly raised her voice and started to shove her cart toward the store exit.  Cranky Sue could not, however, seem to maneuver around the self checkout ladies, who again demanded to see her receipt.  I started to pay closer attention at this point.

Sue is pissed.  She raises her voice and says something about how ridiculous these ladies are being, as if SHE were trying to steal a sheet cake, and then announces to the entire store that she is “never shopping at this store again!”  She throws a five-dollar bill at self-checkout-lady number one, somehow slips her cart through the now crowded self checkout and makes for the exit.

Melissa and I had just finished our own checkout, so we followed about 20 feet behind Cranky Sue, who was barreling through the automatic doors and out into the parking lot.  I leaned over to Melissa and whispered, “I hope her cake falls.”

I feel like Harry Potter when he first realizes that he has supernatural powers. As soon as the words leave my lips, the cake starts bouncing forward.  It’s about six inches off the front of the cart for another 20 feet or so before sliding the rest of the way forward.   The cake is half on the cart’s undercarriage and half leaning over the front and bouncing off the ground.  Sue doesn’t hesitate.  I can’t take my eyes off of the pink cake box.  The front edge of the box bounces along for another ten feet before finally catching on the asphalt and flipping top down.

To her credit, Sue didn’t use any expletives.  She squeaked a high pitched “oh no!”  and, unwilling to suffer alone, piled the remains of the cake back into the cart, spun it all around and headed back into the Safeway.

I’m not wishing bad things on anyone ever again, no matter how much they deserve it.